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July 2023

Writing is a lonely career. The people you spend the most time with are the ones in your head, who you're desperately trying to bring to life on the page (or computer screen). After wading waist-deep in this kind of work for a long enough time, even an introvert can start craving a bit of community.

Generally, online communities are where I turn to first. I'm on the computer a lot, the written word is my preferred medium, and I don't have to put on hard pants and leave the house to socialise. Besides, this default approach has worked for me since my teenaged years.

But this time, what I found went against my expectations in a major way.

When I identify a gap in my life, I start with a broad and shallow approach to try and fill it. My partner calls it "buckshot", ie. shooting a spray of bullets to see which ones hit the target. But I prefer thinking of it like a bee poking around a garden to check if there are enough flowers for an afternoon's work.

The online communities I found had plenty of flowers — heaps of flowers! But they often bloomed out of synch. Some had more hot takes than pollen. Some had a buzz so intense, I wasn't sure if I'd found a garden or a hot house. And sadly, many gardens were walled off to me; if you don't pay the Facebook toll, there's no way to connect with the people inside.

Then I stumbled upon an offline community in my city. I woke up early on a Saturday morning (argh!), put on my hard pants, and dragged my sleepy WIP to an in-person meeting.

It was wonderful. Everyone was so welcoming, the group was small which meant minimal chaos and lots of opportunity to get to know people. Plus we got almost a solid hour of writing done, even running over time because there was so much to talk about after.

This certainly wasn't the first offline community I've attempted to write with, but it's the first where I've felt I can form real human friendships over a love of writing. It's given me a new perspective on what's out there for grown-up writingfolk.

If you're looking to find community and make new friends through shared skills, hobbies and interests, my best tip would be to go buckshot, poke around many gardens, try all sorts of ways to connect with people. The world is a funny and diverse place, even in your small corner of it.

Quite often, those first few exploratory ventures won't give you what you need, especially if you're an adult whose needs and preferences have been shaped by a lifetime-thus-far of lessons and experiences. Your sense of taste will be keener, even if you're not consciously aware of the details.

How do you connect with people? Tell me how you find community over a shared love for writing or other activities. Healthy parasocial friendships count too!

From friends and around the way

The Brooding Doctor's Christmas Wish by Kathleen Ryder: Five years ago, Kyle let Holly walk out of their home, and out of his life. Now she’s back, with a son in tow! Can Kyle prove to Holly that he is worthy of a second chance, and give them all the Christmas they deserve? Get this book

I'd Rather Ingest Mistletoe Than Kiss You by E.E. Everly: She would rather ingest mistletoe than kiss Liam. His desire to help Briana get over her trauma is complicated by his feelings for her, and her desire to get over her trauma is complicated by her haunting anxiety. Briana's desperate to be in a lasting relationship, if only she can understand what real love is and conquer the unease that drives her from one guy to the next. Get this book

Love is all Around: An all-genre giveaway for diverse and inclusive romance. Check out this giveaway

Contemporary Giveaways: Free romantic reads. Check out this giveaway

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There’s a saying, often misattributed to Lao Tzu, that goes: “If you do not change direction, you might end up where you are heading.” In other words, you cannot be surprised about finding yourself in a certain position if you decided to stick to the default path.

We shouldn’t blame ourselves for falling prey to the default effect. It’s a powerful evolutionary force that’s hard to resist. Our survival instinct tells us to avoid risky situations and potential losses. But we can learn to recognize when the default effect is influencing our decisions and take steps to overcome it.

Something to consider: The default effect: why we renounce our ability to choose

By the way, reviews are a huge help to small-time indie authors. Both good reviews and bad ones help readers hone in on the books and authors they resonate with. If you’ve enjoyed one of my books, I’d love it if you would leave me a review or star rating on BookBub, StoryGraph or Goodreads.

The Guy from the Wedding – BookBub – StoryGraph – Goodreads

The Guy from the Internet – BookBub – StoryGraph – Goodreads

The Guy from the Library – BookBub – StoryGraph – Goodreads

The Guy from the Park – BookBub – StoryGraph – Goodreads

The Guy from the Flower Shop – BookBub – StoryGraph – Goodreads

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